i miss you extra right now,
because i don’t feel like you missed me at all today.
i hope you had a good day. although i’m sure you did. and i hope you have a good day tomorrow, and the next one and the next one… and the next one… and the next one.. because i won’t be seeing you for a while. and i’m going to be okay with that.
i am (not) okay with that.
the other thing i’ve been thinking about when i drive recently is how easy it is to die. it sounds really morbid and maybe suicidal, but i don’t think of it in terms of me WANTING to die, but just how easy it is to extinguish life. with one small turn of my steering wheel, i could maneuver my car to smash into the freeway wall at 75 miles an hour and i would probably be dead. that’s all it takes to die. a mere 45 degree turn of your hands and you could instantaneously not exist in this world anymore. it seems very crazy to me. on one part of my drive home from school, i go onto a freeway merging ramp, and i don’t know what it is about this ramp but i have pictured countless times my car hitting the concrete side of the ramp and bursting into thousands of tiny pieces. this thought has become a routine of my drive. i don’t know how to stop thinking about it. i guess i had never fully realized how fragile life is until now.
lately, i’ve had a habit of zoning out when i drive and thinking about what it would feel like to win the lottery. i don’t think i’ve ever really thought about money in the way i do now. probably because i feel so incredibly limited by the lack of money. it’s not like i want anything fancy, or insane, or glorious. what i think about is that if i won the lottery, i’d fly me and my sister to taiwan every month or two so we can be with our family. that’s what i would do. i wouldn’t even buy a new car, or move out of where i am living right now. those things are never part of my daydreams. just airplane tickets to taiwan (and other places, too!) and tickets to the sasquatch music festival in washington for me and my boyfriend to get away. and i would pay for me and my sister’s entire college/grad school education. then maybe save a little bit of it and give the rest to my parents because they deserve to have anything they ever dreamed of having. i find myself thinking about this almost every day. it’s so unhealthy.
— “Edison, New Jersey,” Junot Diaz (via naeive)