i miss you extra right now,
because i don’t feel like you missed me at all today.
i hope you had a good day. although i’m sure you did. and i hope you have a good day tomorrow, and the next one and the next one… and the next one… and the next one.. because i won’t be seeing you for a while. and i’m going to be okay with that.
i am (not) okay with that.
the other thing i’ve been thinking about when i drive recently is how easy it is to die. it sounds really morbid and maybe suicidal, but i don’t think of it in terms of me WANTING to die, but just how easy it is to extinguish life. with one small turn of my steering wheel, i could maneuver my car to smash into the freeway wall at 75 miles an hour and i would probably be dead. that’s all it takes to die. a mere 45 degree turn of your hands and you could instantaneously not exist in this world anymore. it seems very crazy to me. on one part of my drive home from school, i go onto a freeway merging ramp, and i don’t know what it is about this ramp but i have pictured countless times my car hitting the concrete side of the ramp and bursting into thousands of tiny pieces. this thought has become a routine of my drive. i don’t know how to stop thinking about it. i guess i had never fully realized how fragile life is until now.
lately, i’ve had a habit of zoning out when i drive and thinking about what it would feel like to win the lottery. i don’t think i’ve ever really thought about money in the way i do now. probably because i feel so incredibly limited by the lack of money. it’s not like i want anything fancy, or insane, or glorious. what i think about is that if i won the lottery, i’d fly me and my sister to taiwan every month or two so we can be with our family. that’s what i would do. i wouldn’t even buy a new car, or move out of where i am living right now. those things are never part of my daydreams. just airplane tickets to taiwan (and other places, too!) and tickets to the sasquatch music festival in washington for me and my boyfriend to get away. and i would pay for me and my sister’s entire college/grad school education. then maybe save a little bit of it and give the rest to my parents because they deserve to have anything they ever dreamed of having. i find myself thinking about this almost every day. it’s so unhealthy.
Why, yes. Yes, I am fat. And grotesque. But I knew that already. No need for you to point it out. But oh wait - Vegas-skinny? There’s one I haven’t heard of.. You’re right though! I’m only Vegas-skinny. I get it. Because you can be 500 pounds and still be skinny in Vegas; because its Vegas and for once in your goddamn life you can pretend you are as skinny as you have ever wanted to be. I wish I was so skinny that I just evaporated into the air. Just disappeared, skin and flesh and bones and all. Then I’d be skinny enough to wear that outfit, right? Real skinny, I mean, not just Vegas-skinny.
me: ha well i bet you don’t want me to go to a wedding with you so i don’t get any ideas.. huh?
him: what?! babe, i would love to be married to you.. what kind of ideas could you possibly get from a wedding that i wouldn’t want you to already have??
for the first time today, i felt emotionally empowered and strong.
for the first time today (as i turned onto the freeway ramp driving to work), i thought to myself, “i feel really free and happy, not being close to my boyfriend and getting to be independent most of the time. i like this.”
for the first time today, i felt like i had the best of both worlds. i had someone to depend on, to lean on when i need a shoulder, and to love me and care for me. but at the same time, i had my freedom. i had my own life, a schedule that consisted of only my own priorities. i cater to no one but myself, and after a very long time of catering to somebody else, this - this feels nice.
the feeling will probably evaporate completely by tomorrow and i will transform back into that emotionally needy, whiny, dependent little bitch that i am.
how can i teach someone to love herself when i don’t know how to do it?
how can i teach someone that her bodies are beautiful no matter what shape, when i don’t believe that about my own?
and how can i teach someone to stand up for herself when i let people take advantage of me and get away with it, every single time..?
can you keep a secret? i wanted to ask, can you keep a secret for me?
but i couldn’t trust anyone enough to tell them, so it’ll stay with me i guess. i wanted to scream out what he had done. but i don’t like burning bridges and watching people realize somebody they love had done something so despicable. so i’m keeping my mouth shut, zipped, tight. it’ll stay with me.
but you. you know exactly what you did. you probably don’t think anything of it but i hope it eats away a part of your conscience, because it’s NOT right, and you know it. i think i did a pretty good job this morning pretending like it was all okay. i looked you in the eyes. i smiled, and laughed. i can be a good actress sometimes.
maybe it’s me. really. i mean, these things always happen to me. so maybe it’s not everybody else but it’s something wrong with me.
i hate the drive to san diego. it reminds me of how much distance will always, always, always be between us.
there is just a tiny part of me that is hippie. and i like that part of me a lot. i wish i got to do more with it.