i know it sounds crazy but sometimes i repeat your name in my mind over and over and over late at night because, i dont know, it feels weird and the more i say it in my mind, the more strange it sounds and the more it becomes detached to the person who owns it.. to think that that name once was the center of my entire universe and is now just a very strange and sometimes emotional ensemble of letters kind of makes me feel confused and just a tiny bit sad. then i look at old pictures and immediately wish i didn’t because even if there are millions of reasons someone should be in your past, there is always at least one thing - no matter how trivial, insignificant, minute, or silly it is - that you miss about that person.
i don’t have the time or space in my life for people who like to drown others in their poison
this randomly showed up on my dash and i stopped breathing for a second, scrolled back, and just stared at it because, oh my god, i miss this place so much.
i thought, you’re a fucking asshole
but i looked concerned, nodded my head, and said, i see what you mean
empathy can be forged
it’s been over two years, but recently i’ve started to feel very random surges of anger towards you. i spent a long time feeling bad about the way things ended, but over time, the guilt has slowly been replaced with bursts of resentment, frustration, and anger because you were such a fundamentally crappy person (to me).
i used to be what i called an anti-feminist. i genuinely believed that women should not deserve equal treatment as men. i didn’t even think women should vote because our opinions don’t matter. i was even proud to feel that way. it wasn’t until recently that i realized the connection between my anti-feminism and you. tell me, what kind of a person are you if you could make someone believe their own gender was worthless? you burned into my mind the notion that i was inferior because i was a woman, and that my thoughts, my opinions, and my dreams were worthless. i look back and feel so sorry for my former self, for letting you control me and for believing awful things about myself that were never true. i am angry now because i never realized it before - i never realized how you (so carelessly) peeled away my self-respect, my self-confidence, my self-worth until i became the person that you saw me to be.
and it still sickens me that you bought those guns. i can’t believe i was willing to raise kids with you with those fucking monsters in the house. you claimed self-defense but they were always disassembled and locked in a box, so explain to me how that would work in the case of a break-in. i always had this uneasy feeling that they were meant for me. again, what kind of a person are you if you made someone feel like their life was in jeopardy living with you?!
i am infinitely better without you. i am compassionate, and loving, and confident, and strong, and independent, and very, very happy to be me. i honestly couldn’t say i was any of those things when i was with you. this is only the tip of the iceberg. i’ll save the rest for another time when i am angry at you. this has been so wonderfully cathartic.
today at work, i talked to a girl for a long time and afterwards, she requested to my supervisor to be pulled out for testing next monday (instead of friday) so she could see me again. it was really cute, but i told her she was welcome any time without needing an excuse to come see me. her eyes lit up and she smiled the hugest smile.
i’ve re-decided that high school isn’t so bad after all.
I just had a dream I was inside a 7-11 and a woman followed me out and asked, “Are you living each day wasting it away? If you don’t care to do something spectacular, you’ll be 40 before you even know it. I mean, what happened when you were 21? 22? Can you even remember anything spectacular?”
And I remember saying confidently, “I fell in love when I was 22 and it was the most spectacular thing ever.”
My last night in Taiwan. The street lights outside the window look like little orange dandelions without my glasses on. It’s actually quite pretty.
i. when i was four, i very vaguely remember walking to the beach from the house (i think there were chickens in the yard, but i might have remembered inaccurately). My parents held my hands, one on each side, and we jumped in and out of the water, laughing as we ran along the waves. i was so happy.
ii. there was a tatami room with a raised up platform and paper-lined sliding doors, and my family and i slept in there for a few days. all i really remember was waking up really early to the sound of roosters and the display of traditional japanese clothing on the wall.
iii. i was taking a shower one night and saw a slug on the floor. i freaked out and ran to get my mom. i remember watching it dissolve as she sprinkled salt over its plump body.
iv. one time when we stayed over, we slept in their bedroom on the floor. i might be confusing this memory with another one, but i think it was almost my birthday and my grandmother gave me a red envelope with money and some knick knacks. i think we also went to the store and i bought a ramyun soda.
v. my grandpa kept bottles and bottles of alcohol next to the bed, and i’m pretty sure he drank every night before sleeping. i didn’t think it meant anything until i was in high school.
vi. there was a rock formation thing in the corner. it looked like it should have been a fountain, but it had no water, just a little pond of stones. they were whitish-gray i think, but i don’t really remember anymore. i wonder if i ever took a picture of it.
vii. i remember setting off fireworks in the front yard with my uncle and parents. they were red and strung on a line. i get confused because i think this was around chinese new year, but i’ve never gone home during that time. i really don’t know when that was.
viii. there was a gigantic spider in the garage once. probably the size of my palm. i ran past it with my eyes squinted and my heart beating out of my chest. i finally felt like i could breathe again when i reached the stairs.
ix. after a particularly strong typhoon hit yi-lan, pieces of the house had been knocked out and shattered. there were chunks of the roof all over the yard. my aunt had been helping to collect the pieces into a bag. there was debris everywhere. i remember suddenly feeling an overwhelming wave of sadness. i think my grandpa had just passed away.
x. this is one of my favorite memories because it still makes me laugh. my dad was standing on a ladder in the yard, trying to cut off a large fruit growing on a tree. everyone was yelling directions or words of caution. it didn’t seem like it was working, but suddenly the fruit fell and landed right on top of his head. i swear it was probably 5 pounds. everyone cracked up while trying to help him off the ladder. i took pictures to remember the moment. i think this was the last time i was at the house.
I cried because it was true and I meant it when I said it - I really, really did;
An entire lifetime with you still wouldn’t be enough.
(So how could two and a half weeks be enough?
You sounded like the ocean last night when you fell asleep, and you smelled like the first summer I spent with you. You think I’m crazy for believing in magic and you might be right, but if it wasn’t magic, how else would I have met you? You call it fate that we ended up at the same little school in the same little town, but fate, my love, is simply the magic of the universe, and I hope you know that you are the magic I had always dreamed of but never thought I’d be lucky enough to find.)
i just realized today that i haven’t been feeling really happy lately. i don’t know when i stopped feeling happy or even when it started trickling away, but it dawned on me today when i was listening to my friends talk about wonderful things happening in their lives and all i could feel was annoyance. i would call it jealousy, except i didn’t really want what they had, i just wanted to feel what they were feeling: happy. i recognize this in myself because it’s happened before. that when i lose the ability to feel happy for others, it means i am not happy myself.
i’ve been thinking of how i can be happy again. so far, i have:
-watch a musical
-take a getaway trip somewhere, anywhere
-lie on a grassy field and stargaze
-surround myself with puppies
-find a new favorite soundtrack and play it on repeat
-bake something exquisite
who knows. gotta start somewhere.
i’ve noticed that, as time goes on, the list of reasons that being in a long distance relationship is kind of nice starts to grow.
why it’s kind of nice:
why it’s kind of not nice: